19 marriage hacks women say they wish they knew on day one

Redditors are sharing all the marriage “hacks” they wish they’d known from the start, and reading the thread is cheaper than therapy. A lot of this advice is simple but counteracts old narratives about how married couples are supposed to act.

1. Know your enemy

“In a conflict, never think of it as ‘you vs. me,’ but as ‘us vs. the problem.’ Get on the same team.” —u/celestialism

2. Pick your battles

“If you argue about whether to squeeze the toothpaste from the end or the middle, buy two tubes of toothpaste.”

“Some things aren’t worth arguing over. Sometimes you just need two tubes of toothpaste.” —u/MuppetManiac

3. Make each other happy

“The happier you make your spouse, the happier they want to make you.” —u/Grigsbyjawn

4. Sleep better

“Sleeping in the same king size bed with separate duvets/blankets/comforters!!!!!”

“We spend 10 minutes each night cuddling good night then we go our separate ways to burrito as we wish without any threat of blanket theivery in the middle of the night. Ensures we don’t disturb each other’s sleep.” —u/NerdBitchCrazy

5. Don’t talk smack about your spouse

“My counselor recently told me that speaking poorly of your spouse or sharing their secrets can be considered a type of emotional infidelity. If you want trust and respect, you absolutely have to give it back. How would you feel if your spouse said the same thing negative thing about you that you said about them?” —u/AbFabFreddie

6. Admit when they’re right

“People like to hear, ‘you’re right.’ And often in a conflict, both parties are right — at least about some aspect of the situation. ‘You’re right’ can defuse some anger and tension, and shows that you are listening to your partner.” —u/not_triage

7. Don’t argue tired

“Overall just relationship related—don’t try to continue a serious discussion late at night or running on fumes in general. It is better to go to bed and revisit it the following day if necessary.” —u/Far_Wrongdoer4543

8. Get your own bathroom

“Separate bathrooms!! Seriously, it sucks waiting on someone, and it really sucks walking in after they’ve been in there a while. I know we’re all human, I know we’re all gross, but I also like to keep some things as private as possible.” —u/Dawn36

9. Speak up

“Not only for marriage, but speaking up when there’s a problem and being brave to bring up difficult topics with your partner.” —u/Chaos_and_Candy

10. Be together, and separate

“You have to find a balance between differentiation and enmeshment. You should have your own sense of self and things that are unique to you, that wouldn’t go away even if your spouse suddenly wasn’t in the picture, whether that’s hobbies, a career, etc.”

“Simultaneously, you shouldn’t be so independent of your spouse that they play little role in your life and you constantly act without regard for their wants or needs.” —u/Ms_Rarity

11. Rephrase your anxieties

“When I’m in bed with my spouse and I get anxious, I turn to him and say, ‘I’m telling myself a story that you’re focused on your phone right now because you’re mad at me.’ Or ‘I’m telling myself a story that we don’t share enough with each other.’ Or whatever.”

“That opens a door to a conversation about things we’re worried about or angry about or sad about. Then we can discuss. It’s helped remove a lot of assumptions and anxiety from our relationship.” —u/volerider

12. Be kind

“Honestly, learning that love isn’t just about big romantic gestures but about small, consistent kindness every day changed everything for me. Saying ‘thank you,’ listening even when you’re tired, and never assuming your partner can read your mind—it’s simple but makes a huge difference.” —u/sheilagon

13. Chore wheels

“Creating a chore board! It was so much better working together to think about all the tasks that needed to be done and how often together. We do a monthly chore draft and that way I don’t have to nag him and can let go of the mental load of managing the house.” —u/Kelicopter

14. Don’t say it

“If you’re mad at your partner and thinking of all the things you want to say to them, absolutely do not say those things. If you need to get it out write it down. Those thoughts are probably not rational and will only make things worse.” —u/Dstareternl

15. Get some alone time

“We each designate 2 evenings each week that one of us leaves the house so the other partner gets alone time at home. Forces us both to make plans with friends or get out and try new things and gives us space to enjoy an empty apartment.” —u/Anxious-Cabinet8134

16. Let them know what you want

“If you’re about to vent to your partner, let them know whether you’re just looking to be heard or if looking for a solution. If your partner starts to vent without disclosing that, ask.”

“I cannot tell you how many times clearing that up ahead of time and setting expectations could have avoided a conflict. Most of the time, we just want to be validated/indulged for a sec.” —u/michelle_eva04

17. Use “I” statements

“‘I feel hurt. I am upset because this happened to me.. etc’ speaking about my feelings and focusing on how I feel to communicate the conflict rather than accusing ‘You did this to me. You made me feel like this. Because you did this…’” —u/0ctopotat0

18. Ditch the phones

“Leave your phones in the kitchen after work. You’ll be shocked at how much time you spend together. Not talking once you take phones and scrolling out of the picture and reconnect.” —u/StubbornTaurus26

19. Express your love

“Never miss an opportunity to say ‘I love you’ — even in the smallest, most mundane moments, like ending a phone call about groceries. We never know which moments might be our last.” —u/theycallmegale