20 red flags in relationships that don’t seem like red flags (until it’s too late)

In a recent r/AskReddit thread, u/PayOptimal9051 asked fellow Redditors to weigh in on the subtle, often-overlooked behaviors that they consider “silent red flags” in relationships.

Check out 20 of the biggest “silent red flags” according to Reddit below

1. They’re rude to everyone but you…for now

“Pay attention to how they treat others. You may be the only person he/she doesn’t blow off and treats with respect. Yeah you’re their special someone for now. As soon as you’re not as special anymore they will blow you off the same way they do everyone else, but they will absolutely expect you to continue to treat them well.” —u/serene_brutality

2. They assume how you feel instead of asking

“Making assumptions about how you feel, and cementing them as fact without ever actually talking to you. It’s being in a relationship with somebody that makes up your narrative, and isn’t able to have the hard conversations. Because spoiler alert they’re normally wrong and what they assume.” —u/FiddleLeafFig3

3. They punish you for feelings they made up

“And then lashing out at you and punishing you for their perception of your motivations, which of course were always wrong. I don’t think my now-ex ever really knew who I was. He was angry with the world, and I was a convenient punching bag. This is abuse, folks. Abuse isn’t always physical.” —u/slinky999

4. They show zero initiative but expect your support

“Can’t say most people don’t notice because I don’t know most people but for me it was a lack of initiative. That turned into a whole issue because I could not rely on them to be there for me in emotional times of need but they fully expected me to be there for them, ALWAYS.” —u/ckingbass

5. They deflect criticism by turning it back on you

“When you bring something up to them, and they say ‘oh but you do this’. You’ll be the reason for every negative thing they do. Cause you do negative things they don’t bring up til you bring up theirs.” —u/HyenaDependent2928

6. They mock the things you care most about

“Belittling your or her/his/their hobbies. Hobbies are like the core thing someone does in their life. Most of the times it what makes them ‘them’ if you know what I mean. So belittling something you’re passionate about is a red flag.” —u/my_username_is_okay

7. They use your vulnerabilities against you

“When you share things in confidence, and then they turn around and weaponize it when there’s conflict” —u/glittering_entry_

8. They avoid conflict by steamrolling your needs

“One person always accommodates the other, which leads to a perceived absence of conflict. In reality, the partner doing the accommodating likely isn’t having their needs met, while the partner who is always getting their way is likely to be perfectly happy with the situation.” —u/all_neon_like_13

9. They constantly say they don’t deserve you

“‘I don’t deserve you’ was the biggest one I missed.” —u/Alwaystired41

10. They never check in on your wellbeing

“Not asking about you. Not asking a simple question like, ‘how are you doing’ or checking in if you mentioned being sick or hurt.” —u/LadyMish

11. They brag about ‘never fighting’…but something’s missing

“The lack of conflict in a relationship (‘we never fight’) could either be excellent communication skills orrrrr that someone (maybe both people!) in the relationship arent being honest about how they feel. Conflict is inevitable in a relationship the trick is finding healthy ways of dealing with it.”—u/GinGimlet

12. They treat you like a prop, not a partner

“Lack of affection and quality time but willingness to take you out for planned activities making you more of a plus one. Emotionally disconnected, surface level conversations.”—u/Intrepid-Throat-8817

13. They joke about your goals

“They make fun of your goals and interests, even as a joke” —u/Hour-Meet8153

14. They can never say they’re sorry

“When someone never apologizes” —u/BarefootMeoww

15. They hide behind “just joking” when called out

“Schrodinger’s comedian. Everything is a serious piece of commentary they really believe, until you talk to them about it and then it’s just a joke man!” —u/Thick_Description982

16. They shut down or guilt-trip instead of talking things through

“You feel like you’re constantly walking on eggshells…not because they explode in anger, but because they shut down, deflect, or subtly guilt trip you when you express needs or concerns.” —u/ColdAntique291

17. They’re “too nice” at first

“This is a weird one, but someone too nice. My ex went out of his way when we first started dating to show me how kind he was by overtipping, giving cash to homeless people, helping me put together some new furniture. As time went on all of that faded, and I realized it was just an act put on to get girls and seem likable. Was actually a raging covert narcissist.” —u/IntentionPrevious935

18. They’re selfish in public but don’t see it as a problem

“Creating public inconveniences like not cleaning the table after eating at a cafe, not returning the shopping cart after grocery shopping, etc.” —u/Ok_Boomer_42069

19. They’re mean to your pets, even if they say it’s a joke

“I had an ex that didn’t like my cat and would call him mean names, but he’d say he was just joking when I told him I didn’t like it. Everything else was fine at the start, so I ignored it even though it bothered me, but it wasn’t long before he started being mean to me too.” —u/gimmeallthekitties

20. They think major red flags are actually minor ones

u/Thesealiferocks, however, noted, “Most of these listed are MAJOR red flags, not ‘silent’ red flags.” u/MechanicalBootyquake chimed in, adding, “The silent red flag of thinking major red flags are silent ones.”