Starbase, home to SpaceX’s private launch site, has voted to become an official Texas city. The Onion shares the perfect two-day itinerary for Starbase tourists.
Day One
9:30 a.m. Get started at the visitor center
From the airport, head straight to the Starbase Visitor Center, where you can book tours, buy souvenirs, and pick up a handy map showing which facilities your race is allowed to use.
11 a.m. Check out Build-a-Son Workshop at Starbase Mall
Get in touch with your creative side by combining sperm and eggs to make your very own Elon Musk male progeny.
2 p.m. Stroll through the farmers market
Pick up a meal-replacement shake for lunch, or help yourself to one of the many free samples of artisanal monkey jerky.
5:30 p.m. Rocket launch
Watch that big fucker blow up.
8 p.m. Movie night
Head to the drive-in theater to catch the night’s programming, a video of Elon Musk walking into Twitter HQ carrying a sink, set to a loop for three and a half hours.
1 a.m. The Feeding
The feeding begins.
Day Two
8 a.m. Rise and shine
Start your day as the locals do by heading to the employee cafeteria, grabbing breakfast, and forcing a laugh at whatever Elon Musk does with a banana.
12 p.m. Take an Aryan child sled ride
Enjoy a relaxing ride through town on a sled pulled by six energetic 9-year-olds of pure Caucasian heritage.
3 p.m. Pick up a souvenir
Stop by town hall to purchase a copy of one of the many surveillance photos taken of you and your family during your visit.
7 p.m. Cut loose with Rick And Morty quote karaoke
Head to the local bar and participate in the time-honored tradition of shouting quotes from the animated series at the top of your lungs.
2:30 a.m. Awaken to screaming. Across the way, a waifish woman holding a baby hangs out a window yelling for help. Is that…Grimes?
Yes! Good spot.
4 a.m. Come to bound and gagged inside a SpaceX test rocket
The last thing you may remember is something hard hitting the back of your head. It’s Starbase fun for the whole family.
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