Alligator Alcatraz, a massive migrant detention center in Florida’s Everglades, has been plagued by reports of inhumane conditions and environmental concerns since its opening on July 3. The Onion breaks down the statistics of the facility at the center of Republicans’ crackdown on illegal immigration.
40,000: Truth Social profile pictures taken by sign
0
Applicants deemed unqualified for guard job
32
Times Stephen Miller has typed the name of the facility into Pornhub
7
Average age of detainee
100,000 V
Voltage of facility’s electric toilets
23
Times bloodthirsty ICE agents cheered an alligator on only to realize it was just a log
3
Average outfit changes per Kristi Noem photo op
40%
Reduction in activity of empathy-controlling orbitofrontal cortex necessary to stomach job as guard
2028
The year Democrats will claim they can’t shut it down
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