In an adorable story emerging from a bedroom in San Diego, CA, 29-year-old Phoebe Yu is learning in real time that all her favorite foods and activities are known carcinogens, which suggests she has about 10-20 years left to live.
“I was eating a turkey sandwich for lunch today when my friend told me deli meat is technically carcinogenic,” Phoebe told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was curled up in a ball underneath her desk and rocking back and forth. “I didn’t think it was true, but she’s right. Processed meats have nitrates and nitrites, heterocyclic amines (HCAs), and polycyclic aromatic hydrocarbons (PAHs), all known carcinogens. My turkey BLT is trying to destroy me.”
At first, Phoebe wasn’t too worried about this, until she quickly realized that she’s eaten a turkey sandwich on average once every two days for her entire life.
“Once I started digging, I couldn’t stop,” she continued, hissing at the light from the window. “Everything is a carcinogen. Everything. I can’t escape. It’s all I eat. Even my fruits and vegetables have been treated with carcinogens. STEP BACK! I’m 70% carcinogen right now.”
Phoebe found out that microwave popcorn, grilled or smoked meats and vegetables, coffee, diet soda – all of it – contained known carcinogens. She was about to take a walk around the block when she stopped herself, realizing the UV radiation from the sun is also a carcinogen.
“It’s not just limited to food,” she continued. “All of my favorite activities are carcinogenic. Going to the beach. Laying out in the sun. Smoking. Drinking. Playing paintball with lead-based paints…”
Reporters are unsure why Phoebe goes out of her way to play paintball with lead-based paints, but they figured this is not the best time to broach the subject.
They tried to reassure her that there were probably not concerning levels of carcinogens in any of the things she just named, but she was too busy googling Radons and learning about how the air she breathes also contains some carcinogens. She then held her breath for so long that she passed out.
As of press time, Phoebe had found the strength to get up from under her desk, take a deep breath, and calm down. She took solace in knowing that the microplastics would probably kill her much sooner than the carcinogens could.
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