Bored National Guard Goes Door To Door Asking If Chicagoans Have Any Order They Need Restored

CHICAGO—Unsure where to find the lawlessness and chaos they were told was overtaking the city, National Guard troops deployed to Chicago by President Donald Trump have begun aimlessly going door to door and asking residents if they have any order they might need restored, sources confirmed Thursday. “Hi there, ma’am—I was wondering if you’d seen any gang members or waves of criminal aliens rampaging through your household lately, and if I could assist in any way,” Cpl. Hunter Benson of the Texas guard said to confused 88-year-old Ravenswood resident Marsha Goldstein, peeking into the woman’s foyer to see if he could spot any hellish, out-of-control crime engulfing her living room. “This is a lovely little neighborhood you’ve got here. But if, by any chance, you’ve got some looting anarchist rioters you need me to quell, or you’ve spotted a marauding pack of bloodthirsty Venezuelan murderers on your back porch, I’d be more than happy to help you out. The rest of the boys and I are just trying to figure out exactly what we’re supposed to be doing in your city, so if you could kindly point us toward any nonstop, ruthless mayhem, that’d be a huge help.” At press time, the listless National Guard members had reportedly decided to just start issuing parking tickets as they searched in vain for the rivers of blood they believed would be flooding the streets of Chicago.