Bullshit Newborn Not Even Christ

READING, PA—Saying the snot-nosed brat sure as hell better not expect any damn frankincense or myrrh, sources confirmed Friday that a bullshit newborn wasn’t even Jesus Christ, the Son of God. “There’s not a fucking chance this useless goddamn baby is going to die for our sins,” said the child’s uncle Brandon Lowrey, explaining that beyond being born in a hospital instead of a manger, the absolute disgrace of an infant wasn’t actually a boy at all, but in fact a girl. “I bet this little shit isn’t even related to God, let alone a direct relative. I should have known when I didn’t see a single Star of Bethlehem shining above that twerp to beckon wise men from the East. That dumbass baby couldn’t redeem a ham sandwich.” Lowrey added that the good-for-nothing child’s mother was no virgin either.