Childhood Best Friend Would Never Make The Cut Now

WATERBURY, VT—Admitting that the bar used to be much, much lower, local 38-year-old Jeremy Griffiths confirmed Tuesday that his childhood best friend Ben Martin would never make the cut now. “If we didn’t have decades of memories together, there’s no way that I would have invited him to any important function in my adult life,” said Griffiths, adding that now the two have absolutely nothing in common besides having gone to each other’s houses every weekend for 10 years. “Things were great when we first met, but we were in kindergarten then, and my only friendship requirement was that the other kid also liked tractors. Plus, he doesn’t even have that trampoline anymore. I can’t even imagine playing video games in complete silence with such a loser.” When reached for comment, the childhood best friend confirmed that Griffiths would never make the cut for him at this age either.