Dove Finally Admits Some People Ugly

HOBOKEN, NJ—In a major shift from the company’s decades-long focus on inner beauty, personal care product brand Dove finally admitted Tuesday that some people are ugly. “Despite years of claims that people of all shapes and sizes are beautiful, we are now prepared to agree that there are some butterfaced uggos out there whose looks cannot be fixed by any amount of attitude or personal style,” said Dove brand overseer Fabian Garcia, telling reporters Dove officially recognized many asymmetrical faces and unsightly blemishes could cause a person’s appearance to fall far short of any reasonable beauty standard. “We’ve striven to promote body positivity and confidence with our ad messaging, but we have to be honest and own up to the fact that there are some total twos out there who should probably put a bag over their head for everyone’s sake and, even then, only go out at night. While we will continue to offer our signature collection of body care products to everyone, we want to be clear that a great deal of our consumer base has at least one or two physical characteristics—be it a pig nose, a protruding forehead, or eyes that are too close together—that make them totally unfuckable.” Garcia added that in acknowledgment of this reality, Dove would be introducing a new soap for users to spray directly into their eyes after witnessing these heinous freaks.