Hey, sorry to bother you while you’re in an active Zoom meeting, but you haven’t seen my phone around, have you? It’s probably in the place I last left it and haven’t checked yet, but I just wanted to interrupt you while you’re working and ask you whether you’ve seen it first.
Even if you haven’t seen it, I’m hoping my impotent demeanor and oppressive presence will prompt you to get up and go look for it for me, even though you have no reason to know where it might be and are currently having what looks to be a one-on-one with your boss.
I don’t urgently need to use my phone or anything. No, I’ve demanded your attention simply out of a vague desire to know where it is. I’m not actually going to use it for another couple hours, at which point I will ask you again if you’ve seen it.
If you actually do have an idea of where it might be and ask me whether or not I’ve checked a certain area, I’ll assure you that, yes, I have checked there, even though –– spoiler alert –– I haven’t checked anywhere for anything ever!
I’m sensing some annoyance coming from your end. Not really sure what’s so irritating about me asking you a basic question, but I’ll be sure not to bother you with my needs in the future…(Lying, of course.)
You haven’t been going through my texts, have you? Yeah, I didn’t think so. I just like to baselessly accuse you of that every once in a while. Anyway, any leads on the whole “my phone” situation?
I’m not saying you moved my phone, I’m just asking if you did in an accusatory tone.
Most women would be overjoyed to spend some quality time with their boyfriend, looking for one of his random belongings that he is the sole user of! I thought you understood that a core tenet of this relationship would be looking for my stuff.
All I’m saying is, you’ve always been super good at spotting an item sitting unobscured on an otherwise empty table. It’s uncanny! I’ve just never been good at that. Granted, I’ve never actually tried, but I’m just assuming.
I can’t believe you’re mad at me for simply suggesting that you’re better at finding stuff than me! That’s a compliment! A guy can’t simply compliment his girlfriend anymore?
Anyway, I don’t even need your help looking for it any more, because I just realized it’s actually been in my hand this whole time. Oh, damn, it’s dead. Do you know where my phone charger is? You stole it didn’t you? Holy shit, I can’t believe you’re stealing from m–– oh, nevermind, it’s actually somehow right here in my other hand. I’ve had both of these things grasped in my hands this whole time. What are the odds?
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