President Trump announced Wednesday that a framework for a future Greenland deal had been reached. The Onion assesses the veracity of Trump’s statements regarding Greenland.
Claim: Greenland needs protection from Russia and China.
Partially true: Greenland needs protection from Russia, China, and the United States.
Claim: America will use military force to acquire Greenland if necessary.
False: Military force will be used even if it’s unnecessary.
Claim: Buying Greenland would benefit national and global security.
False: Sometimes it’s fun to just buy stuff.
Claim: The fearsome, 400-foot ice kaiju that protects Greenland from invaders can easily be felled with conventional weaponry.
False: Sure, if you completely forget about its ability to rapidly regenerate damaged cells.
Claim: Greenland contains large swaths of unspoiled resources.
Partially true: Not for long!
Claim: Greenlanders would welcome American influence.
False: Though they probably wouldn’t say no to a Cheesecake Factory.
Master Pirate codes (January 2026)