CHICAGO—In commemoration of the many historic contributions made to the nation by individuals who feast upon the remains of the dead, Ghoul Americans are coming together at events across the country to celebrate Demonic Heritage Month.
Observed each October, Demonic Heritage Month seeks to inspire members of the Hades diaspora in the United States through the promotion of malevolent visibility and the uplifting of ancient evils. Since its inception, the federally recognized celebration has been marked by parades and festivals that honor the Ghouls, Wraiths, and Goblins who bravely emigrated from the netherworld and whose descendants still haunt America today.
“This month we pay tribute to the sons and daughters of Satan who came to this country hoping for a better life,” said Thomas Lansing, a mass of writhing tentacles and professor of unholy studies at Buffalo State University. “I grew up in suburban New Jersey and went to a school where I was one of just three undead kids. It’s great having a month when not just Ghoul Americans, but all Americans, can learn about our rich tradition of wandering ravenous through the nation’s cemeteries in search of the one thing that can quell our hunger: human corpses.”
“The Ghouls who came before me worked hard, fighting their way out of the fiery depths of hell, emitting their blood-curdling screeches, and ripping the flesh from dead people’s bones,” he added. “Without their sacrifices, I wouldn’t be the unspeakably foul monstrosity I am today.”
Demonic Heritage Month began in 1921 with the adoption of a resolution authored by Belphegor Asmodeus Baker, the first Ghoul American in Congress. Baker sought to preserve the culture of his inferno-born parents, who, after passing through the gates of hell and emerging from a portal at Ellis Island, were reportedly forced to change their last name from “Bal’lak, Lord Of Death” to “Baker.”
Today, over 60 million Ghoul Americans gather each year in historically demonic city centers like Chicago’s Little Pandemonium neighborhood, where they prepare a traditional dinner of necrotic limbs, dress in ceremonial blood-soaked scraps of clothing, and listen to high-pitched, satanic lullabies that cause the skulls of passersby to explode.
“Although America’s population is almost 80% living, demons have worked hard to preserve their vital undead heritage,” said community activist and artist Mara Krampus, who traveled an hour from the tomb where she resides to attend a Demonic Heritage Month celebration at a popular Ghoul-owned restaurant in Sacramento, CA. “People might make an extra effort to support Ghouls in October, but it’s important to go to your local graveyard year-round to support these foot soldiers in Satan’s legion of the damned.”
“Demonic heritage isn’t just Lucifer, Beelzebub, and Mephistopheles,” Krampus continued. “It’s also your Ghoul friends, the Incubus who seduces you each night, and the hideous, bellowing demon being exorcised from a child next door.”
This year’s Demonic Heritage Month theme, Infernal Firsts, honors pioneers such as Pazuzu Stevenson, the first Ghoul American in space; Agrat bat Mahlat, the first Poltergeist to haunt the White House; the Wright brothers, who built the first airplane; and Xezbeth Harris, the first evil spirit to possess a corpse and win a gold medal for Team USA at the Olympics.
President Joe Biden kicked off the month with a Rose Garden ceremony in which he was surrounded by the descendants of many historically prominent demons, a coalition of powerful corporeal revenants from the U.S. House and Senate, and a high satanic priest who cursed the occasion and rained down blood upon all in attendance.
“It was so powerful to watch President Biden deliver a speech about Demonic Heritage Month while covered in the ritual pus, bile, and viscera,” demonic historian Shelly Catrone told reporters. “Growing up, I never imagined I would one day hear the president of the United States address the undead by wailing loudly in obscure eldritch tongues on C-SPAN.”
“Next I’d like to see a Ghoul elected president,” Catrone added with a smile. “I think within our 1,000-year reign of terror and blood, that will be possible.”
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