Health Department Shuts Down Guy Fieri

SANTA ROSA, CA—Upon issuing a citation that listed wet surfaces and thick coatings of grease among numerous other violations, the Sonoma County Health Department announced Wednesday that it had shut down Guy Fieri. “We received an anonymous tip about the unsanitary condition of Mr. Fieri, and our surprise-inspection team was deeply disturbed by the state we found him in,” said county inspector Elena Tellez, who explained that simply running a finger along Fieri’s arm had revealed a sticky layer of grime and donkey sauce. “It appeared that no part of him had been properly cleaned or disinfected in months, and the man had dozens of health code violations in his goatee alone. We found dried marinara sauce in several hard-to-reach nooks in the folds of his skin, and loose mozzarella sticks were being stored in his pockets without proper refrigeration. Our lab confirmed the presence of foodborne pathogens such as listeria and salmonella all over Mr. Fieri, which was not a surprise considering his neck was completely covered in cross-contaminated bits of Buffalo wing and raw nacho meat. We issued a warning and gave him a chance to get his act together, but when we returned, he had a rat crawling up his leg.” Fieri was later seen shooting an episode of Diners, Drive-Ins And Dives with the health department’s letter grade of “F” taped to his chest.