Heroin Overdose Serves As Wake-Up Call To Keep Doing Heroin But Smarter

CINCINNATI—Claiming that the horrifying near-death experience really put things into perspective, area man Leo York announced Tuesday that a recent heroin overdose served as a wake-up call to keep on doing heroin but just be smarter about it. “That’s it. Tomorrow I’m buying a digital scale, and from now on I’m only using on weekends or after work if it was a super hard day,” said York, explaining that the close call had provided him with the clarity to realize he needed to do the hard work of finding a more trustworthy dealer instead of shooting up whatever sketchy back-alley stuff he could score. “Waking up in that hospital bed really opened my eyes to the fact that I need to get my shit together and actually measure out how much heroin I’m putting on that spoon. Plus, I’m done sharing needles, unless I know for sure the guy who used it before me was clean. I mean, I’m an adult. I can’t be doing smack the way I did in college. I’ll even start pounding speed so I’m alert enough to get myself to the ER. Trust me, next time I OD it’ll be with people I trust instead of alone in a Marshalls fitting room.” At press time, sources said York’s plan was totally working, and he was now a fully functional member of society.