HHS Advises Low-Income Seniors To Wallow In Mud To Stay Cool

WASHINGTON—Following federal cuts to utility bill assistance programs, the Department of Health and Human Services released guidance Thursday advising low-income seniors to stay cool by wallowing in the mud. “With summer temperatures soaring, it’s more important than ever that older Americans are taking the time to lower their bodies into slop,” said Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who shared an illustrated diagram demonstrating how seniors could protect themselves by wading into, rolling around in, and slathering themselves from head to toe in mud. “Mud is effective, and most importantly, free. Who needs air conditioning when you can make mud right there in your own backyard? Even if you’re not a senior on a fixed income, I highly encourage you to check on your elderly neighbors and make sure they’re neck-deep in sludge.” At press time, Kennedy added that if seniors did succumb to the heat, the best part was they would have already fashioned themselves a makeshift grave.