Hungover Hegseth Struggling To Remember How He Ended Up In Room Full Of Generals

QUANTICO, VA—Racking his brain for answers as he gazed out at the high-ranking officers gathered before him, a visibly hungover Pete Hegseth reportedly struggled Tuesday to remember exactly how he ended up in a meeting room filled with U.S. generals and admirals. “Jesus fucking Christ, why are they all staring at me—am I supposed to say something?” the defense secretary muttered to himself as he looked from face to expectant face of the assembled military top brass, pinching the bridge of his nose and quietly cursing his nightcap of Beefeater from the previous evening. “Anyone out there have a Pedialyte? Advil? No? Nothing? All right, well, let’s start by dimming those lights. My head is killing me. That’s good. Much better.” At press time, Hegseth asked a nearby five-star general for a 20-minute recess, lowered his head into his arms, and vomited.