In a developing story out of Manhattan, NY, 28-year-old Sabrina Garrett had been operating under the impression that she and her roommate, Anna, were on pretty good terms. However, when trying to decide where to go out tonight, Anna uttered the words that told Sabrina everything she needed to know: “I don’t care, you pick.”
“It was at that point that I knew she was engaging in psychological warfare,” Sabrina told reporters, while taking a brief cigarette break on the balcony.
She added that those five words were all it took to change everything for her.
“I never in a million years thought Anna would say those words to me,” Sabrina explained. “But it’s clear now: my roommate is evil and is out to destroy me mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.”
Sabrina continued, saying that after hearing those words, she immediately shut down, parried with “I don’t have a strong feeling one way or the other,” then gave Anna the cold shoulder and went to make herself another drink.
When questioned by reporters a little later, Anna said that she was extremely confused about the entire ordeal.
“I’m not sure what I did to make her act this way,” she said. “Did I say something wrong? I seriously don’t care what we do tonight!”
While reporters felt that Anna’s comments sounded sincere, Sabrina wasn’t so easily swayed.
“She said she ‘seriously’ didn’t ‘care’ what ‘we’ ‘do’ ‘tonight’?” Sabrina asked reporters, using air quotes in a way that felt both unnecessary and nonsensical. “That diabolical little witch! What kind of game is she playing?”
At this point, reporters admitted they felt confused by the situation, explaining to Sabrina that it didn’t seem to them like Anna was playing any sort of “game” at all.
“She’s got you under her spell then, too, huh?” Sabrina said, with a manic look in her eye. “You don’t get it…If I choose somewhere to go tonight, then the onus is on me for it to be a good time. And if I don’t choose and we stay in, then suddenly that’s my fault, too!”
Before reporters could get another word in, Sabrina had already come up with a plan.
“I know what I’ll do,” she said, somehow now surrounded by a pile of what looked to be 18 used cigarettes. “I’ll tell her my cousin is having a birthday party and that she can come ‘if she wants.’”
As of press time, Anna’s mask had slipped, having heard Sabrina’s comments about her cousin’s birthday party.
“That wily little minx…I always knew she had it in her,” Anna told reporters, smiling in a way that could only be described as “viscerally evil,” while pouring herself another drink. “I’m going to ask her whether she thinks we should Uber or take the subway…”
Now this, reporters understood to be a call for metaphorical blood, and decided to leave the roommates to their verbal sparring.
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