I LIVED IT: I Had to Download the App

I can pretty much get myself out of any situation. I can talk my way out of a scuffle at a bar, and, need-be, outrun most dogs. So, I get to live my life almost exactly as I want to. I can go anywhere, do anything, and no one can make me acquiesce if I don’t want to. Or at least I thought, until I tried to open my flight ticket to the Midwest on a budget airline. Would you believe it? I had to download the app.

Being forced against your will to download an app feels like being punched in the goddamn face. I tried to view my boarding pass on the web, you see, but it was no use. The page was blocked by a popup window that ordered – nay, demanded – that I instead download the app. I looked for the button that said “This is America and I don’t want to download no goddamn app” but it was nowhere to be found.

Could the fascist state have progressed this far? Was I really about to be forced to my knees by a Delta-adjacent budget airline that offers cheap fare across the midwestern United States? I was confused, distraught, and started bargaining with the webpage before me.

“NO!” I yelled, “I don’t want to download an app! I want to live my life for me! I want my iPhone storage space to be my own! Give me another way, dictator! There must be another way.”

The webpage’s silence mocked me.

I navigated to the app store and looked up the app. Yup, just as I’d suspected. It was a disgusting mustard yellow. This would absolutely ruin the aesthetic of my phone’s four home screens.

I tried everything I could to get around clicking “download.” I googled, “How not to download airline app” then added “reddit” for good measure, but it was no use. Everyone said the same thing. This world was not made for me. I was going to have to download the app.

I clicked the wretched button and watched as it loaded, then created an account like some kind of dog. I logged in, retrieved my boarding pass, took a screenshot, and went to delete the app just as quickly as I had retrieved it. Unfortunately, my attention span has been absolutely shot to hell by being on my phone 24/7, so I promptly forgot. I estimate I will have this app on my phone until I die.