WASHINGTON—In response to legislation that would ban officers from obscuring their identities during arrests and raids, U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement confirmed Thursday that beneath their masks, agents do not have faces.
Tom Homan, the U.S. border czar and chief enforcer of President Donald Trump’s immigration policy, warned that Democrats “may get more than they bargained for” with transparency initiatives like the Senate’s VISIBLE Act, because the agency’s more than 20,000 members wear neck gaiters, hats, and sunglasses to cover a terrifying void where their eyes, nose, and mouth should be.
“The truth is, just underneath their masks lies an infinite abyss of total and complete darkness,” said Homan, adding that ICE officers concealed themselves not only for their own benefit, but also to protect others from seeing the hideous, unknowable horror beneath. “Liberals can accuse this agency of constitutional violations all they want. But we both know that seeing a man in tactical gear is far better than seeing a man without a face, staring deep into that empty chasm, and instantly going mad.”
“Mere mortals cannot survive what lies beyond the cloth,” Homan continued. “Whatever you do, don’t go towards the dark, don’t go towards the dark, don’t go towards the dark.”
According to Homan, anyone who went within even a few feet of an unmasked agent, including protesters, government officials, and lawyers, would experience debilitating full-body chills, hear sharp ringing sounds in their ears, and experience visions of death so intense they would immediately fall to the ground and claw out their own eyes.
In addition, the border czar warned that bystanders who attempted to take photos and videos of unmasked ICE agents at raids on workplaces, government buildings, or public parks would be sucked into a dimension of darkness, never to return, and nothing would be left behind but a charred, cracked camera and footage corrupted by static and ominous whispers.
Scoffing at what he called the naivete of Democrats, Homan told reporters the terror that lay behind agents’ masks was only the beginning, and that it was nothing compared to what could be found inside the agency’s unmarked vans and warehouses. He then looked off into the distance, unleashed a scream, and said, “They are coming for me, the men of the night, they are coming for me!”
In a post on Truth Social, the president argued that Americans should thank ICE agents for hiding their faces, contending that several months spent in a detention center was much safer than the prospect of accidentally catching a glimpse behind their masks and having one’s mind imprisoned for all eternity, floating forever between the valley of life and death.
“The BRAVE Patriotic Men and Women of ICE deserve to keep their masks and also when they remove them they are Very Scary,” Trump wrote in a late-night post defending his immigration policies. “They risk their lives arresting rapists and murderers. Also, when I stared into the void, I saw a baby version of myself being eaten by an adult version of myself while a faceless man watched. Then, my face was on his face, and he LAUGHED!”
“I don’t know what it means,” the president added, “but ICE and the faceless man who spoke in my mother’s voice will Make America Great Again!
At press time, Trump confirmed that he’d set a new goal to deport at least 65 million migrants to the shadow realm.
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