New Uber Feature Allows Women To Request Nonthreatening Eunuch Driver

SAN FRANCISCO—In response to ongoing concerns regarding the safety of its female passengers, rideshare giant Uber reportedly introduced a new feature Wednesday that allows women to request a nonthreatening eunuch driver. “With UberCastrated, female riders can feel more at ease on their way to bars and spin classes knowing their driver doesn’t have testicles,” said Uber CEO Dara Khosrowshahi, adding that thousands of harmless eunuchs had already signed up to drive for the service. “We listen to women, and we know what they want—hairless, sexless drivers medically incapable of feeling any carnal desire whatsoever. Many of our eunuchs underwent their gelding operations in childhood, so they’ve never even experienced a powerful surge of testosterone and can entertain passengers with beautiful, high-pitched castrato arias. We’re excited to see that drivers who aren’t already eunuchs are opting to castrate themselves to get more rides.” Uber confirmed that female passengers would still be regularly subjected to a driver unloading his emotional trauma on them, regardless of whether or not he was a eunuch.