‘No! Not Larry Summers!’ Wails Devastated Nation

WASHINGTON—Responding to recent revelations suggesting the prominent economist was a close associate of the late child sex trafficker Jeffrey Epstein, a devastated nation reportedly joined together to wail “No! Not Larry Summers!” on Thursday. “Oh please God, not Bill Clinton’s treasury secretary Larry Summers!” said visibly distraught Iowa resident Carrie Pritchard, who echoed the sentiment of all 340 million Americans upon seeing multiple emails that showed the former Harvard University president had regularly corresponded with Epstein. “I feel so lost! Who am I supposed to turn to for insight on the role of regulation in the derivatives market now? It must be some kind of mistake. Are we sure the emails weren’t from someone with a similar name? I just can’t believe a man who was once a leader at the World Bank would do something so terrible.” According to reports, the nation was soon dealt another unimaginable blow when additional emails revealed billionaire Peter Thiel had also corresponded with Epstein.