Gregory Bovino is “commander at large” of the U.S. Border Patrol’s mass deportation efforts. The Onion takes a look at Bovino’s background.
Political Beliefs: Fiscally conservative, socially National Socialist
Leadership Style: Spittle-forward
Motto: “Shoot first, dodge questions later.”
Nostrils: Tactical grade
Greatest Fear: HD video
Hairstyle: Never a good sign
High School Superlative: Least
Hidden Talent: Can burp the entirety of “Horst-Wessel-Lied”
Study: Some Gifted Dogs Can Pick Up New Words By Eavesdropping