Report: More Americans Forced To Make Ends Meet By Turning To Alchemy

WASHINGTON—According to a report released this week by the Bureau of Labor Statistics, a record number of Americans are finding themselves forced to make ends meet by retreating into their underground laboratories and practicing alchemy. “Even though I work long hours at my warehouse job, I still won’t be able to pay the bills if I don’t succeed in transmuting this hunk of lead into gold,” part-time alchemist Arthur Shandro said as he opened his wooden chest of arcana and used a copper retort to distill a corrosive elixir of mercury, wormwood essence, and vitriolated tartar. “I used to think alchemy was just for people like Paracelsus, Mary the Jewess, or the ancient Qin Dynasty wizard Anqi Sheng, but when I got kicked off my health insurance plan, I realized that my best chance of keeping my family healthy would be to alchemize a panacean elixir of life in my basement. It’s tough work, for sure, but alchemy isn’t so bad if you have a good Hermetic treatise to go off of, or the Kitab al-Asrar, which is this 10th-century Persian book of secrets that a friend lent me. Though I’ve learned a lot as I further my quest to understand the fundamental nature of matter and its transformations, I still regret having to melt down my grandmother’s heirloom earrings in order to evoke this month’s rent money from the prima materia.” At press time, Shandro erupted in a triumphant cackle after confecting what he claimed was the long-sought philosopher’s stone, which would allow him to afford groceries.