RFK Jr. Claims Anti-Protein Extremists Left Head Of Lettuce On His Doorstep

WASHINGTON—Saying his advocacy for consuming animal products had painted a target on his back, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. claimed Monday that anti-protein extremists had left a head of lettuce on his doorstep. “Yesterday morning when my wife went out to get the paper, she discovered a gruesome threat left by radical herbivores attempting to intimidate me,” a visibly shaken Kennedy said at a press conference, adding that the FBI was processing the head of iceberg lettuce for fingerprints and would investigate the incident as an act of suspected anti-protein terrorism. “I never had any illusions that ending the War on Protein would go unanswered by these enemies of muscle mass. Nonetheless, I’m shocked by this brazen and disgusting attack on my family. I felt so sick after seeing those leafy greens that I couldn’t even finish my plate of raw liver. But I will not be cowed by this heinous provocation. I will continue fighting for Americans’ right to consume protein no matter how many cabbages, zucchinis, or stalks of celery these monsters wield against me.” Eyewitnesses reported that Kennedy ended the press conference by defiantly chugging a glass of raw hamburger.