RFK Jr. Promotes Natural Immunity With Invitation To Touch His Festering Sore

WASHINGTON—Establishing new federal guidelines for disease prevention as he moves to restrict public access to a number of vaccines, Health and Human Services Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr. launched a campaign to promote natural immunity Tuesday by inviting Americans to touch his festering sore. “Endless vaccines are no longer necessary to achieve immunity now that everybody can come into contact with this throbbing, open sore on my chest,” said Kennedy, who has claimed there is no evidence that routinely administered injections are more effective than the pus oozing from a gaping wound in his flesh when it comes to warding off illness. “It is now the official recommendation of the CDC that at-risk groups allow my putrid discharge to seep into their own immune systems through their contaminated hands, helping the body naturally build defenses against whatever the hell is making it all crusty like that. For thousands of years, humans have fought off infection through environmental exposure to gurgling yellow, green, and brown fluids that erupt from neglected lacerations just like this one, despite what Big Pharma and their superfluous shots and bandages might lead you to believe. Rest assured, access to my bacteria-ridden secretions will remain open for as long as it takes to reach herd immunity.” Kennedy also recommended that anyone over the age of 65 rub some of the grosser stuff in their eyeballs to make it work faster.