RFK Jr. Warns Mistress That Condoms Cause Autism

WASHINGTON—Claiming that 100% of users experienced dangerous side effects as a result of wearing the contraceptive device, Robert F. Kennedy Jr. reportedly paused an amorous moment Thursday to issue a dire warning to his mistress about condoms causing autism. “All of the increased cases of autism over the last decade can be traced to condom usage—at least from what I’ve been reading,” said the nude health and human services secretary, insisting the 32-year-old woman go wash her hands after touching a still-packaged Trojan-brand condom she had retrieved from her nightstand. “Something about the latex or maybe the friction encourages autism growth in the genitals,” he continued. “Or, it goes into your bloodstream and straight to your brain—and also into your sperm, which then becomes your future children’s brains. I don’t remember exactly what it was, but I know it’s really bad. The media has been suppressing the evidence, since the major publications are basically run by condom companies these days, but it’s all out there if you know where to look. There’s even a medical journal called Condoms And Autism that publishes stuff all the time about how they’re so bad for you. Once put on, they stay in your penis system for, like, years, so I think it’s better not to risk it. Dental dams too, sorry.” Kennedy later announced that the U.S. Food and Drug Administration would be revoking its approval of condoms and banning their sale nationwide.