ARLINGTON, VA—The U.S. Defense Department confirmed Monday that Starbucks had been awarded a $5 billion contract to explore potential national security applications of cold foam, part of the military’s ongoing effort to modernize its lactose-based defense capabilities.
According to officials, the Seattle-based company will oversee the prototype of a tactical frothed milk topping for use by the armed forces as the Pentagon looks to develop richer, more indulgent ways to neutralize threats on the battlefield.
“We’ve long discussed possible combat uses for our velvety nonfat cold foam, whether in targeted assassinations or as a way of stunning enemies with a rich, smooth, and delightful neuro-weapon,” said Starbucks CEO Brian Niccol, admitting that the company had been quietly promoting its vanilla sweet cream as an alternative to the Army’s outdated M14 thermate grenade steamers. “With Starbucks’ industry-leading expertise in caffeinated warfare, we believe that whipped dairy is the future of the defense industry.”
“Within a decade, the U.S. military will be armed with a cache of fully customizable strategic drink toppings in a variety of different flavors,” Niccol continued.
Starbucks beat out competitors like Dunkin’, Peet’s Coffee, and Lockheed Martin for the 18-month contract, which will fund mission systems development and the integration of tactical cold foam as a light, airy neutralizing agent, allowing U.S. forces to blast a silky layer of sweetened cream over enemy troops without stirring it in. The contract also covers a possible expansion into weaponized oat and coconut foams that would theoretically allow for wartime dominance at a lower fat and sugar content than traditional cream-based munitions.
The partnership comes on the heels of reports that China has conducted controlled detonations of nearly 2,000 calories of cheese foam over the Pacific Ocean, an apparent show of force that comes mere days after President Donald Trump threatened to attack its boba reserves. In response, Defense Secretary Pete Hegseth has warned President Xi Jinping to “suspend his whipped toppings program willingly or risk having his face pushed into it by the full force of the U.S. military.”
While the Pentagon and Starbucks maintain that the cold foam does not qualify as a form of chemical warfare, the U.N. has warned that any mass dispersal of frothed milk over a large population center would be considered a violation of the Geneva Conventions.
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