My dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the union of this man and this woman…and this empty wallet and this wiped-out checking account…in the bonds of holy moly, this wedding is expensive !
Ding-dong, loyal readers! Wedding bells are ringing around the Dudek household. (Or maybe that’s the cha-ching of the cash register.) After 28 long years, one of my daughters has found her Mr. Right and they’re headed down the aisle…and I’m headed into bankruptcy! That’s right, my little girl has finally found “The One.” Unfortunately, this One is followed by three Zeros, and it’s at the bottom of a bill for flowers! I’m telling you, this wedding florist’s most popular arrangement is extortion. Hey, do I get a discount if I book you for my funeral, too? Because the prices of these flowers won’t stop rosing (rising)! For that much money, the daisies should be pushing up me!
At this rate, the bride won’t be able to throw the bouquet because we’ll be serving it for dinner.
No turning back now. In a few short weeks, I’ll walk down the aisle and give away my pride and joy, the apple of my eye, my most prized possession. I’m referring, of course, to my money ! I swear, in the last few months I’ve seen more bills come and go than a coach in Buffalo during duck season! So if you see me crying at the ceremony, you’ll know why. Don’t bother passing me a tissue…unless it’s wrapped around a stack of cash!
Turns out RSVP stands for Roger S’about-to-be Very Poor!
Now, don’t get me wrong. I couldn’t be happier that one of my daughters is tying the knot. I just didn’t think it would be attached to a lasso around what’s left of my nest egg! For years, she kept bringing home “roommates” for Thanksgiving, so I thought she might be gay and I’d get a book out of it. Imagine my surprise when two years ago, totally out of the blue, the girls decide to do Thanksgiving at their mom’s house, not invite me, and she brings a guy home instead !
So much for my long-planned bestselling memoir, My Daughter’s A Lesbian…And All I Got Was This Lousy T-Shirt!
But seriously, my ex-wife and I couldn’t believe our daughter finally met someone. We thought she was a lost cause! When she didn’t get asked to prom, I said, “It’s hopeless. She’ll never find anyone like her dad.” And Rosemary said, “God willing!” And I said, “You said it, not me!” and “Don’t go there!” and Rosemary left the room. Shows what I know. Flash Gordon 10 years later, and my daughter’s introducing me to her friend Paul. Boy, did Paul move fast. I tell you, this dude moved quicker than Usain Bolt chasing a lightning bolt. One Thanksgiving he’s “Paul,” by Christmas he’s “Babe,” and before I know it, he’s proposing at a barbecue in my own ex-wife’s backyard!
I wouldn’t have believed it if I didn’t see the photos on Facebook. He went down on one knee, and I hit the floor! He put a ring on it, and I ringed the bank to say, “Batten down the hatches!” He popped the question, and I popped a blood vessel thinking about how much money this wedding’s gonna cost! Paul seems like a nice kid, though. He even called to ask me for my daughter’s hand. Little did I know I’d be giving him an arm and a leg, too! My own!
Of course, she said yes. But I wanted to know if she was really sure. So I sat her down and told her that if she goes through with this, there’s no going back. She’ll be stuck with this person for life. No matter how much they fight, or how much they might hate each other, she’ll never be able to get away from the old ball and chain. I’m talking about her new mother-in-law ! That’s right! Weddings mean a whole new set of in-laws. I’m getting a new son-in-law, and my daughter’s getting a new headache! Hey, here’s a riddle for you: What do you call the mother-in-law of my daughter? Her problem!
I’m telling you, the best thing about these new in-laws is that they’re paying for most of the wedding and they live on the opposite coast!
And don’t get me started on the cost of the reception! I wish my phone was losing reception so I could stop getting calls about how expensive this darn party is! You gotta pay for food, drinks, a wedding band, and a dance floor. I’m telling you, “The Hustle” I have to put in to feed a bunch of strangers some “Funky Chicken” really makes me want to “Shout.” If my daughter doesn’t “Macarena” in (rein in) her spending, I’ll have to “Electric Slide” out of my lease when my bank account shows a “Conga Line” of zeros. Forget the afterparty! If you need me, I’ll be sleeping at the “YMCA”! Isn’t that “Hora”-ble (horrible)?
Oh well. You know what they say: “Happy wife, happy life, happy daughter, avoid slaughter.” So I’ll just shut my mouth, close my eyes, sign the check, and lock my other daughter away in a convent so I never have to pay for another wedding ever again! Do you think that’s a good idea, Roger?
I do.
Until next time, gang!
Roger Dudek is a professional, syndicated humor columnist who has been writing professionally for more than 30 years. His column, Write On The Funny!, has been published intermittently in dozens of newspapers since it began in 1992. His comedic book of humorous essays, Memoirs Of A Guy-sha, is still looking for a publisher.
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