Love Island USA is in the midst of its seventh season. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the reality dating series.
Q: What are the couples competing for?
A: The forever-out-of-reach approval of a distant or absent authority figure.
Q: What happens to contestants who get eliminated?
A: They are chemically castrated.
Q: What do fans enjoy most?
A: The opportunity to cyberbully hot people without social backlash.
Q: What’s been the most successful pairing to come out of the show?
A: Bathing suits and jewelry.
Q: Can I visit Love Island?
A: Those who attempt to make contact have been met with hostility, with spears hurled at intruders as a ritual act of territorial defense.
Q: How can I tell which contestants really love each other?
A: Reddit.
Q: How many episodes are in a season?
A: When the pyramids have turned to dust and the skyscrapers lie in ruin, still you shall hear the call of the Casa.
Q: Why is my girlfriend so obsessed with the show?
A: She’s trying to convince herself that there are people with even more toxic relationships than her own.
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