President Donald Trump signed the charter for his “Board of Peace” Thursday, establishing himself as presiding chairman of a new international body aimed at resolving global conflicts. The Onion shares everything you need to know about the organization.
Q: What is the board’s stated aim?
A: To finally end the impending threat of global cooperation.
Q: What is the organization’s first order of business?
A: To stabilize real estate markets in conflict-affected areas.
Q: How does one become a member?
A: Paying the $1 billion fee for permanent membership and submitting letters of recommendation from three different war criminals.
Q: Which countries have declined to join?
A: A handful of soon-to-be U.S. colonies.
Q: Can any sort of Board of Peace expect to be taken seriously without the inclusion of former British Prime Minister Tony Blair?
A: Don’t worry, he’s part of it!
Q: Will Israel join?
A: It would be rude to finish bulldozing Gaza without them.
Q: What will happen to the countries who do not participate?
A: They will be dealt with by the Board of War.
Q: Does the charter really make Trump chairman for the rest of his life?
A: Yes, Trump will remain chairman for the next few months.
Q: What would be the consequences of replacing the United Nations?
A: A 3% decrease in New York City traffic.
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