What to Know Before Going to Lollapalooza

What to Know Before Going to Lollapalooza

In an effort to help visitors have the best experience possible at the four-day music festival in Chicago’s Grant Park, The Onion offers tips to prepare for Lollapalooza. 

Directions

While the CTA is a safe and convenient option, we both know you’ll be taking a $93 Uber back to Glencoe.

Locker Rental

General admission ticket holders can reserve single- or multi-day locker rentals for a fee, while VIP and Platinum ticket holders can leave their stuff with Gracie Abrams.

Bag Policy

Nice try, but they’re going to look inside the Altoids tin.

Health And Safety Details

It’s recommended that patrons learn how to handle their shit.

Bathrooms

We recommend going before you arrive.

Reentry Policy

We can’t guarantee you will not be shot.

Mule Policy

No mules bigger than a German shepherd.

Recommended Antivenoms

Rattlesnake, cobra, mamba, viper, and copperhead.

Inclement Weather Policy

In the event of high winds, Olivia Rodrigo will immediately be outfitted with bungee cords and a weighted vest.

Koi Pond Rentals

Visitors may store their ornamental carp in a secure onsite pool for $25 per koi per day.

June Squibb

June Squibb will not be in attendance.

Men Who Look Like Moby

As always, we’ve placed hundreds of little bald guys in black hoodies throughout the festival. Try to find all the Mobys!

Best Way To Sneak In

Hyperrealistic rat costume

Parking

Guests are encouraged to park in the Nebraska commuter lot and take the Amtrak from Omaha.

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