What’s Causing Problems With Flights Across America
With crashes and delays continuing to place significant strains on travelers, The Onion conducted an investigation into the troubles plaguing American aviation. Here are the root causes of the problems facing flights across the country.
Explore our findings in detail
Nebraska
20 mph speed limit while flying over schools
Iowa
Pilot frightened off course by scarecrow
Texas
Sure as day, some cowpoke done lassoed the plane right outta the sky and won the heart of one Miss Cindy Mae
Boston, Massachusetts
God trying to kill Mark Wahlberg again
ArKansas
Shrieking passengers not exactly helping pilot focus
Miami, Florida
Rowdy spring breakers flashing aircraft
Las VEgas, Nevada
Engines turned off so red-eye passengers can sleep
Alabama
Passengers all gathering to one side of the plane to see what will happen
Arizona
Tray table not in upright position
Pacific Ocean
Boeing 737 still missing wing from last time it crashed
Washington
Pilot trying, just this once, to floor it into outer space
Chicago, Illinois
Skyscraper didn’t duck
Missouri
Air traffic controllers too busy bickering over who gets to say “roger” over the radio
Washington, D.C.
Planes keep colliding with Susie Wiles’ signature bouffant
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