In a story that highlights the passage of time emerging from upstate, NY, 32-year-old Leila Beverly played a game of tether ball – something she used to do about three times a day as a child – and may never physically recover from it.
“I’m experiencing pain the likes of which I did not believe possible,” she told reporters gathered at the scene, where she was lying comatose on the couch surrounded by ice packs. “How did I play that so often as a kid? Are children inhumanly strong? Am I inhumanly weak? What happened over the past 15 years that has changed my body so drastically?”
Leila confirmed she is experiencing pain in parts of her body that she did not think were associated with the act of playing tether ball at all, such as her hamstrings, her collarbone, and behind her eyes.
“I just got so excited when my friend offered to play that I didn’t think about the consequences,” she continued. “I suppose I’ve also never experienced consequences to physical activity before, though, so who could have predicted this?”
While 8-year-old Leila was capable of playing seven to ten games of tether ball back-to-back, running in a huge circle, throwing down twenty pushups, then settling in to learn multiplication, 32-year-old Leila played a single game and had to sit down for a while.
“I was overzealous for sure,” she continued, rolling over with a groan. “And after that first game, I was so embarrassed by how out of breath I was that I insisted we play again.”
Midway through the second game, sources confirm Leila did walk to the side of the court to throw up, then returned as if everyone did not just see her throw up.
“I don’t consider myself to be extremely out of shape, but I guess by every single standard, I am,” she continued. “I just don’t understand how kids can do this multiple times a day. Are they inhuman? I thought as I got older I was supposed to get better at sports.”
As of press time, Leila was reviewing footage of the match – which she lost almost immediately – and wincing to herself.
“At the time, I thought I looked really athletic and cool,” she continued. “Definitely not the case. I would appreciate if this footage was permanently deleted and scrubbed from everyone’s memory.”
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